Psychologist Anna Seewald talks about how at 13 years old she survived a catastrophic earthquake. Tragically, her mother did not survive. She talks about how that horrific event shaped her, including her realizing she wouldn’t have as deep of understanding, compassion, and empathy today if she hadn’t gone through that devastating experience. Today, Anna is the founder of Authentic Parenting, the Authentic Parenting Podcast, she’s a speaker, and author of 15 Keys To Effective Communication: Building Strong Parent-Child Relationships. She works with children and helps parents who are overwhelmed, frustrated and who want to parent differently.
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If you prefer to read, here’s a transcript of the interview!
New Speaker: 00:01 The biggest lesson would be that life is unpredictable. Life is a gift. Every day is a gift. You know when you have a near death experience, not everybody I come to realize as an adult, but most often adversity and trauma push you to appreciate life in a whole different way. It’s like before you had this adversity, life was black and white, and now after that you celebrate every moment. You cherish every relationship. It’s a gift every day.
New Speaker: 00:42 Hello and welcome to The Inspire Cafe podcast where we bring you conversations and inspirational stories of people overcoming adversity and then how they came out of it transformed with a positive outlook or outcome. People are incredibly resilient and we need to hear more of their stories. This is Kathy De La Torre.
New Speaker: 01:05 Today we’re talking with psychologist Anna Seewald. She speaks about how at 13 years old, she survived a catastrophic earthquake in her hometown in Armenia. Tragically, her mother did not survive. She talks about how that horrific event shaped her, including her realizing she wanted to grow up to be a psychologist and help orphans and other children. She also realized she wouldn’t have as deep of understanding, compassion and empathy today if she hadn’t gone through that devastating experience. Today Anna is the founder of Authentic Parenting, the Authentic Parenting podcast, she’s a speaker, and author of 15 Keys To Effective Communication: Building Strong Parent Child Relationships. She works with children and helps parents who are overwhelmed, frustrated, and who want to parent differently. We’ll have links to Anna, her book, and a transcript of this interview on TheInspireCafe.com. Okay. Let’s get to Anna’s story.
Anna: 02:08 Anna, before we get to talking about your book and what you’re doing today, let’s talk a little bit about your background, where you’re from, and where did you grow up, and I understand you’re the eldest child in your family?
New Speaker: 02:22 Yes, I am. I have one brother and I’m two years older than him. I was born and raised in Armenia. I live now in the United States. I came to the United States as an adult in my twenties and now I’m in my forties, so it’s been an interesting journey.
New Speaker: 02:43 Okay, terrific. And so it sounded like you had a wonderful childhood, a wonderful, loving family, loving parents, and very idyllic, and then something catastrophic happened when you were 13. Can you share with us what occurred at that time?
Anna: 03:07 Yes. In 1988, a severe earthquake hit my hometown was the epicenter actually, uh, it’s called [inaudible]. It’s a small town of 30,000 people I believe at the time. And it was destroyed completely. And I was home with my brother. My parents were at work and somehow we survived in my apartment building. You know, we were the two of four people who survived in my building and you know, my life took a completely different turn after that day, right. As a 13 year old, I was very naive and enjoying life. Didn’t know much about life, wasn’t really independent even in many ways. life was comfortable. And so it was completely turned upside down. We weren’t evacuated to the Republic of Georgia, which is a neighboring country, to Armenia to stay with faraway relatives, which we’ve never seen before. Uh, I was, told to go to school to continue my education.
Anna: 04:15 So there was a lot of hardship, not only right after the earthquake but also many, many years after the earthquake and so then I ended up in Russia also the summer of 1988 because there was no place to return to. Right after the Republic of Georgia, we finished our education, there was nothing there. It was still ruins and horrific experiences. So we were sent to Russia for months to this summer camp and with my brother.
New Speaker: 04:51 And so getting back to the catastrophic earthquake, I understand you and your family were living on the top floor of a three story apartment building and you said that there were only four survivors including you and your brother. Just to give a scale of how catastrophic this earthquake was, how many people perished in that building?
New Speaker: 05:13 Well, it was a small building and not everybody was at home, but the people who were at home at that time, I think 74 people were found dead in our building. I see. And um, yeah, and I mean it was a horrific event on a very massive scale. If people are interested, they can google and see the images. Not that I would recommend. I don’t look myself, you know, it’s been 30 years and it’s so hard to imagine that that was my life. That is such a distance now in my life where I am who I am. It’s so hard to imagine that. That was me 30 years ago and my life.
New Speaker: 05:58 Right. So something tragic happened to your immediate family and also your extended family as a result of that earthquake. Can you share what happened?
New Speaker: 06:13 Yes. You know, when it first started, you know, as a child, you don’t know what’s happening. So we understood that it was an earthquake and we tried to get out of our building helping one another, me and my brother, and it was hard, but the first thing we wanted to do is to go search for our parents and we didn’t know where they worked.
Anna: 06:36 Truthfully. They worked, you know, far away from our home, you know, a couple of miles away I believe, and I’ve never been to their workplace. So naively. we were walking down the streets that was filled with horror and running people and screaming and crying people, people hanging off buildings and at this unimaginable like a movie when I’m speaking now, it’s like, oh my gosh. So hard to imagine. And we were footless. We know. We just ran away like that. We didn’t have any clothing or shoes. So we were trying to go to get our parents and um, we bumped into someone who recognized us. My parents were very well respected educators and teachers, you know, my family, everybody knew my family in my town and my uncle was a world lifting coach, you know, world renowned. So we were known and this person recognized us and said, where are you going?
Anna: 07:39 Kids? And we said, we’re going to find our parents and that person, I don’t even remember if it was a woman or a man at this point, but said, go back to your grandparent’s house right now. And so we turned back and we knew how to get to our grandparents house. We went there and everybody who was alive was arriving and people who were not alive apparently were not arriving, so, uh, I had the feeling that at that time, in the beginning that both of my parents were alive because my dad didn’t come as well, you know, I saw my uncle, my grandpa, my grandma, aunts, um, but not my parents. So people were also spreading news about other people, you know, like my neighbor said, oh, we just saw your daughter in law, they said to my grandmother, you know, such and such, so no news came from about our parents. So I had a sinking feeling that something was wrong. And sure enough I didn’t see my mom. I didn’t see my dad when we were evacuated. My Dad was alive but injured severely. He tried to rescue and help his class of children, so he was injured and taken to some hospital, some in some other town and I had seen him after the earthquake only a few weeks after, but my mom never showed up. So, and nobody talked about it. It was understood that she, you know, she was not alive.
New Speaker: 09:21 Okay. So they never found her or they were just presuming she was not alive?
Anna: 09:29 Uh, they did find her, we were not there at that time, you know, the kids were evacuated, but my grandfather and some of my relatives, they found her after four days.
New Speaker: 09:43 I see, I see. That’s horrible and I can’t imagine what you and your brother and the rest of your family were going through at that time. Anna, when you and your brother, and I think it was your cousins were sent to Georgia to live with some distant relatives. I understand you didn’t know the language. These were essentially strangers to you. And then you lived there for several months before they sent you to a summer camp in Russia. And you said you met some quote unquote real orphans. You had, I guess some kind of, I don’t know what you call it, an epiphany or a declaration. Can you share what that was about?
Anna: 10:25 Yes. I met a group of kids, you know, from a Russian orphanage and we became friends and it wasn’t like a real friendship. Somehow they could not reciprocate. it was not warm and I wasn’t used to that kind of experience. And it hit me then and there that children in orphanages lack something significant because they didn’t grow up perhaps with their parents, their loving mothers. Um, you know, I understood the role of attachment, how it’s significant and how emotionally distant and numb those kids were. They were teenagers as well, you know, my age. And that just moved something in me and I said I want to grow up and become a psychologist and I want to work with orphans. And I did truthfully. I wrote an essay when I was 13 years old and I have that essay picture on my website and everything I wrote in that essay.
Anna: 11:34 It’s so funny how these things work. It became true, you know, I write about maternal love, a loss, grief or how we need to be kind and generous and humane in the world. As a 13 year old. I mean, I wrote this kind of pompous ideal and my desire become a psychologist and help children and work in orphanages and things like that. And of course, fast forward I did become a psychologist, educator, worked with children and not only orphans, but juvenile delinquents. Institutionalized at risk, beggars, street children, gifted children, autistic children, so it’s pretty fascinating to me.
New Speaker: 12:19 That is fascinating that at 13 you planned out your future. I read that you wrote out the essay and it includes lessons you learned from the experience in how you have changed. What would you say was the biggest lesson for you?
New Speaker: 12:36 Oh boy. The biggest lesson would be that life is unpredictable. Life is a gift. Every day is a gift. You know when you have a near death experience, not everybody I come to realize as an adult, but most often adversity and trauma push you to appreciate life in a whole different way. It’s like before you had this adversity, life was black and white, and now after that you celebrate every moment. You cherish every relationship. It’s a gift everyday. Nature, Beauty for me, I celebrate life ups and downs and everything because I know it’s ephemeral, right? So that’s the biggest lesson I have learned as a young child and I think that motivated me to become my best self and to squeeze the juice out of life and show up greatly and do great work and it’s just amazing.
New Speaker: 13:43 That is amazing for someone so young to take away that lesson from something so traumatic. I mean when you and the other kids at the camp or any of the other kids affected by the earthquake, was there anyone who you were able to talk to about your feelings or what was going on? Because I understand your family was pretty silent about what happened and didn’t want to talk about it?
Anna: 14:12 Yes. Oh boy. You know, Yeah. We worked. Everybody was talking about their experiences sharing stories but not particularly feelings. I think it was more factual experiences. It was more with other children, at least it was comparing notes. Where were you, how did it happen for years and that’s a sign of trauma. How children process trauma through telling and retelling this, this horrific story. And I think because I was young and this was the first time that it happened to me, it was a onetime acute event, I was able to bounce back and recover and show great resilience than if it was an ongoing traumatic event. Right? I think that’s a lot of the things that helped me to become more resilient. Yes. We talked with other kids and who with relatives with neighbors for years, people would gather together and just share stories.
Anna: 15:17 And I think there is a healing power in sharing your story and hearing others’ story and connecting it all because it was part of the same quilt, right? Everybody was part of the same fabric. We all went through the same horrific event. We all struggled and suffered in our own unique way. But that connected us. It was this amazing feeling I would say, even though it was tragic, but there was this, I don’t know how to describe this remarkable, humane, humanistic experience as well. That I still have it in me. I carry with me. And um, and um, worked with people. I am, you know, I love people. I work with people, I enjoy people, I, I believe in the goodness of people, so that moved me again to see the world and people in a whole different way and appreciate people.
New Speaker: 16:20 Well, I imagine because of that experience you had, you’re able to help your patients or the children and the parents you work with in such a different level in the sense that you can relate and understand if they’ve gone through something horrible as well.
Anna: 16:36 Yes, definitely, and I work with a lot of traumatized people, addicts, criminals, homeless people. I teach classes at the homeless shelter and so I do work with that population and of course they had horrible experiences worse than mine. Mine was one time acute event, but what they went through, some of the people, it’s just mind boggling and I do connect. Yes. I think experiences like the one I went through, and many people can relate to this as well. People who went through a lot of trauma and adversity early on in their life, You become more compassionate and empathetic towards other humans and fellows. There’s this deep empathy that I don’t think I would have processed if this didn’t happen to me.
New Speaker: 17:38 That’s really interesting, Anna, to realize that you wouldn’t possess the compassion and empathy that you have now because of the trauma that you experienced. That’s incredible. Okay, so shifting gears a little bit here. I understand you have a daughter of your own now. How old is your daughter?
New Speaker: 17:38 Yes. She just turned 10.
New Speaker: 18:04 She just turned 10. Okay. I understand. You and your daughter got a chance to go back home to Armenia.
Anna: 18:12 Oh yes. Oh boy.
New Speaker: 18:15 Yes. I was just curious about how that trip went and how you shared your hometown with your daughter.
Anna: 18:22 Yes. I came in, uh, when I came to the United States, you know, I’m married to an American and I have a life and career and everything and a family, so I didn’t go back for 12 years and in a blink of an eye, 12 years passed by and it’s hard to believe. Many people criticized me for that. My friends, my relatives, and they have a right to judge me for not wanting to go back, but looking back now I can see that it was very traumatic for me. When I came to live in the United States permanently in 2005, you know, I built my life and everything, but I compartmentalized. I shut down that part of me because it’s a loss, right? It’s a hardship. Yet another loss, a loss of my identity, loss of my friendships. And my dad is still there. My relatives, everything. I had a career, but I had to move here because my husband lives here.
Anna: 19:30 He couldn’t find a job in Armenia. So I distanced myself psychologically because he was too painful and I stopped calling almost all my people, my relatives, my dad and I didn’t realize that I was in a sleep for 12 years. I even had my daughter. I mean, I was in touch with them, but not frequently, you know, and something happened to me as a whole nother story and other traumatic event, uh, that was catapulted, this whole awakening. It was another traumatic event. And I said, oh my gosh, I need to go back to my homeland, my country, my dad. I just woke up from my sleep. And I realized, wow, I cannot believe 12 years passed and I’ve never visited. And so we purchased tickets right away. And it was exciting. Of course, for me, going back after so many years and visiting the places I worked, I lived, people and many people are unfortunately, are not alive.
Anna: 20:40 The people I left there 12 years ago, my grandmother, my uncles, they were gone, you know, it was very sad. But I’m sharing that experience with my daughter was very joyful. She met my dad for the first time and my relatives and was, I can’t describe. It was very meaningful. And she such a wonderful kid. She doesn’t speak the language. And that’s one of the things, again, I didn’t teach her my language. You see how cut off I was from, from my pain that I completely blocked that. And um, you know, I took her to the graveyard with me and um, she, she was so, you know, she hugged me. She’s like, Mommy, I know this is so important to you, you know, she, she also doesn’t have emotional connection to any of the things there, you know, so it was very heartbreaking for me, but again, joyful too, to go through the experiences together to show her the places that I played as a child, you know, and my grandmother’s yard and the mountains I climbed, but sadly my building of course, nothing there is the same so I don’t recognize, I don’t belong there.
Anna: 22:07 It’s like I can’t take her and say this was the, in my childhood street, this was my childhood cafe or this was the, nothing is there. So it’s, it’s a very surreal experience for me.
New Speaker: 22:22 Yeah. It sounds like you felt like a stranger in your own land or in your own home.
Anna: 22:27 Yes. Yes, most definitely. And it was so strange to meet people from the past like my classmates, uh, and things like that to reconnect with them, but feel this enormous emotional distance and the not belonging. It’s an odd feeling that this is who you are, but you don’t belong here.
Kathy: 22:52 Wow. I, I can’t imagine what your daughter was feeling when she was witnessing you go through this. I mean, watching her mom, looking back and not having anything look familiar to you.
Anna: 23:05 Yes.
Kathy: 23:07 Anna, if you were to want to leave with your daughter one lesson learned from your experience, from all of that, what would you want it to be?
Anna: 23:18 Oh, um, the message that I would give her is what I’m trying to practice in my parenting every day I would say because I know the value of it is be yourself. Just be yourself. Don’t try to play small, don’t try to please others. Be in tune with your authentic self and just live out loud. Life is a gift and you are you and you’re very special and don’t change who you are. Just always connect and remain your authentic self. Connect to that self and stay who you are. And so far she is who she is. Um, you know, I’m happy about that, but that I think that’s the message I would give.
Kathy: 24:15 MMM. Yeah, that’s a great message for her.
New Speaker: 24:18 It’s a good question. I’m going to think about this question.
New Speaker: 24:20 Okay. So let’s fast forward, you went to university, became a psychologist, and so now let’s talk about your book, 15 Keys To Effective Communication: Building Strong Parent Child Relationships. You see that your child is like a mirror. If you truly want to know how you’re doing as a parent, take a deep look at your child. Can you give us an example?
Anna: 24:48 Yes, yes. Everything we do affects our children. First and foremost, I don’t believe children misbehave. So there is no misbehavior for me. I can give you a whole explanation what those quote unquote misbehaviors are, what are the root causes? Where they originate. So yes, how we treat our children. We get the treatment back. If, if I’m constantly on my phone, scrolling through facebook and looking at instagram photos and texting with people and keep pushing my daughter away and saying, I’ll be with you, honey, give me a moment. I’m almost done. Well guess what? She’s gonna give me the same treatment. She’s not going to listen to me. She’s going to say I’m not ready mom, she’s going to dawdle and you know, take her time. So or if I yell at her for whatever reason, I say get ready in the morning, mornings are tough and hard, you know, or reprimand her or speak with her disrespectfully, you know, with rudeness.
Anna: 25:55 And most of us as parents, we think we can because the are our children, um, you know, they give it back to us, they show it, they learn the lessons, we teach them with our behavior. And so when we see that in our children is like, speak to me, kindly change your tone of voice, you know, I didn’t like that you used that word with me, but then it’s just a reflection of how we treat them. I asked one of my clients recently, and I asked this a exercise for too many parents, I asked her to put her voice memo app on, on her phone, put the phone in her pocket and record herself interacting with her children and two days later, just listen to how you interact. What voice you used, what tone of voice, what words you used with your children and how are you speaking?
Anna: 26:54 Were you a good listener? And she texted me. She said, I cannot bring myself to listen to this recording. I said, please do. You will be. You will be will be enlightened because I have done this myself and it’s so revealing.
New Speaker: 27:13 Oh, I can imagine. Okay. Quick question. Did she not want to listen because she knew she was guilty of maybe not listening to her kids?
New Speaker: 27:22 Yes, yes. She was guilty. She says, I don’t want to discover something I don’t like or I already don’t know, but myself. But I said, unless you hear yourself then you can not change. Our work will not be complete. So she did and she was like, thank you so much for asking me to do this exercise. It taught me so much about myself. She says, I am speaking with my children, like a drill sergeant and you know what I mean?
Anna: 27:49 And of course children don’t like that. How else are they going to tell you they’re not going to break up with us. Children are with us in this relationship. They can’t divorce or file for custody or break up with us that they’re gonna show with their behavior that they don’t like the way they are being treated. So yes, we shouldn’t punish them or reprimand them for their behavior. I think first and foremost, we want to see how they behave. That’s a good clue to look at our own behavior.
New Speaker: 28:25 Okay. That is so fascinating to me. The reflection of you. Okay, so let’s get back to what you mentioned earlier, that children don’t misbehave and you have a shortlist of what kind of misbehaviors people think that they’re doing. Can you quickly go through that?
Anna: 28:52 Yes. I use four categories for misbehavior and all misbehavior goes into these four categories. Again, I don’t use the word misbehavior days only behavior because let’s face it, when you hear the word misbehavior, you assume there is a good behavior and there is the misbehavior and let’s treat this misbehavior. Let’s get rid of it. Let’s control it. Let’s punish it. It puts you in a position like that. It begins with a mindset shift. Let’s just shift how we think about things and our actions will follow and there’s always a reason why people behave the way they do. Adults and children alike. So in the case of children, I have four buckets. Number one bucket is lack of skills. Children simply misbehave, quote unquote, because they lack certain skills, physical, cognitive, social, emotional, self regulation, you name it, they are young, inexperienced, their brain is not developed. It’s rapidly changing and developing. They lack skills. They, you know, they poured the water, it spilled all over the place.
Anna: 29:52 They don’t have the coordination skills, you know, we don’t want to yell and scream at that. We want to be patient and focus on skill building. You know, when somebody is lacking a skill, you’re going to teach them the skill. You want to use that opportunity as a teaching moment. Uh, you know, that’s the first bucket is his skills. The second bucket is lack of information, lack of explanation. Oftentimes children will do things because they simply don’t know what will happen if I touched the hot stove, if I, you know, pull mommy’s hair. If I pull the cat’s tail, if I throw this sand into someone’s eyes, they don’t know. They need information, explanation and reasoning in some cases, so that’s why they misbehave. The third bucket, and it’s getting more complicated and more serious. The third bucket is needs and emotions. I identify six emotional needs and I base my work on those emotional needs and physical needs are important too, but when any human being, if your needs are not met, you’re going to show in your behavior.
Anna: 31:06 Let’s say I have a need for connection with my husband. He’s been working late, has been coming home late, so I’m lonely and neglected. You know, whatever my story is. When he walks in the next morning, I’m not going to say, honey, can you meet my need for intimacy and connection? I’m going to yell at him and say, you’re late again, and what were you doing? Who were you with? And take the trash out. So I’m going to show with my behavior that inside of me there is this lack, there is this need that needs to be met, and because we’re not taught the language of emotions and needs from a young age, no one talks like that. My autonomy need is not being met. Mommy, you know, no four year old has a sophisticated language like that. They’re going to do rotten things, for sure. So it is, It is up to us to decode and understand what are the underlying needs and it’s not that hard, especially in the case of children.
Anna: 32:08 I gave you six needs and teach you how to uncover them and meet them, and those behaviors simply disappear when the need is met. You know, let’s say you’re hungry, you’re going to look for food. Once you are satisfied, you’re not going to look for food anymore. It’s simple as that. Emotional needs are the same way except they linger longer and it’s hard to meet them. The fourth bucket is where things get a little more serious and complicated. Its trauma a adversity, trauma, stress and sensory issues. Well, trauma and adversity are, you know, the experiences that children go through. It could be a divorce of the parents or birth of a sibling, even could be traumatic, hospitalization, things of that nature. Stress is the day to day stress that many children today are experiencing high levels of stress and they exhibit stress behaviors. They show disregulation. Their nervous system simply doesn’t withhold the demands placed upon them and they just show with their behavior and we see a rise in sensory issues. It is connected to stress as well. So this is how I interpret children’s behavior.
New Speaker: 33:27 Okay. So what would you call this list? These four buckets. What would you call it?
New Speaker: 33:33 Um, what would I call the four buckets? I would say root causes of challenging behaviors.
Kathy: 33:39 Okay. Root causes of challenging behaviors. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And you know, it was funny because when you said number two, lack of information or explanation that a stove top can be hot and it can hurt you, I remember as a little kid, my mom saying, don’t ever touch that it’s hot, but I didn’t know what hot meant. And so I touched it anyway. Yes, exactly. And I learned very quickly what that meant and she said, I told you, oh, now I understand. I guess I just had to learn the hard way.
Anna: 34:16 You know, parents assume, parents assume that children have this sophisticated knowledge and information. Whereas because we possess that same information, it doesn’t mean they know. this is the first time they are on this earth. They don’t know that dry erase marker is not edible. They have no idea it looks appealing. It looks like a candy, right? It looks like a popsicle stick or whatever. And we need to view life from children’s perspective. You know it. Let’s say you are in a foreign planet. Let’s say you were put in a planet, you don’t know what the door knob looks like, what the table is look like. Everything is different. Of course you’re going to make mistakes, you’re not going to use everything intended for their own usage purposes. And so what do you expect people to punish you and yell at, you know, we need to be patient and teach children that, you know, this is for this and this is how we do it.
Anna: 35:11 And again, it’s a repetitious cycle. Children don’t learn like right away, you know, from the first time, I wish it was the truth. But many parents assume their children should know better, you know, that the stove is hot or you know, if you do this, that will happen. I mean, how would they know? Right? They don’t have prior life experience. And if you say stop that, stop that. They’re like, why is mom yelling at me? Like, what does stop mean? Right.
New Speaker: 35:42 Okay. So this leads me to another question. If a child doesn’t understand danger, there’s a car coming, you don’t walk across the street by yourself. How does a person to explain that to their child?
New Speaker: 35:55 Not In the moment. I wouldn’t explain it in the moment. In the moment. Grab your kid, rescue your kid, do that. I wouldn’t explain it like in that moment and be killed both of us.
Anna: 36:06 So there is four things that I identify when parents need to step in like that in a rush and in a hurry and set a limit when it comes to children’s health, safety and security, possessions or environment and moral of their or their or other people. [inaudible] Let’s say your child is taking a stone and a hitting some child or hitting someone’s car. It’s going to break their windshield or something like that. Well, you’re not going to sit there and explain. No. Grab your kid in that moment. You will do the explaining late later, a health related or safety and security of your child or other children or your child is in a bookstore or in a toy store. They’re ripping open a new package of a new toy that you didn’t purchase. Well, be proactive. That’s what I want to say. When it comes to those four areas, do the explanation ahead of time, afterwards Children will understand.
Anna: 37:11 I had a client the other day, she says, when I walk with my toddler on the sidewalk, I let him run around freely, but when it’s time to cross the street, he doesn’t want to hold my hand. Well, of course, right. He was having fun. Now you’re stopping him. He’s like, what the heck, mom, you know, why are you cutting this short? So I said in that moment when you are about to cross the street, you know, go down to his level, make eye contact, hold to him with both hands, you know, put your arms around his shoulders gently and say, look into his eyes and say, Guess what? Now it’s time to cross the street and how do we cross the street? You’re going to hold mommy’s hand and we’re going to cross the street and when we get to the other side, you get to run around again.
Anna: 38:01 Now your child may not understand fully what you’re saying, but your tone means a lot to your child. It’s very dah, dah, dah… dah, dah, dah… And your child will say, yes, mom, yes. So this is how you do it and you hold his hand and you cross the street. If he is squirming, he doesn’t want to do it, you can pause a moment again because this is an important skill. You don’t want to just rush and react in the moment. You want to pause again and say, guess what? You repeat your message. If your child is above three, you can say, what are we going to do? Can you tell me how we cross the street? You want to make sure, check for feedback that your kid understood. What are you going to do? Step by step. And again, if your child is not listening and not holding your hand, just pick him up. Put Him in a Stroller, then cross the street. So that’s like the, the next alternative suggestion.
New Speaker: 39:02 Well that makes sense. Okay, so you’re not scaring the little boy or girl and yelling at them. Stop. Okay, Mom’s having a freak out. I don’t know what I did.
New Speaker: 39:12 Yeah, because the child will not learn the lesson for the next time. Right? The whole point is to teach the lesson. So he will know the next time, but if we yell and scream and say, no, you’ve got to hold my hand, we’re crossing this street, blah blah, blah. He’s like, okay, whatever. Mom, you know, it, it’s, it doesn’t, um, it doesn’t stick. Um, so the likelihood of that behavior occurring next time is pretty high.
New Speaker: 39:38 Or they’re gonna think, okay, I’m going to get in trouble again because the last time I crossed the street I got in trouble.
Anna: 39:44 Yes. And, and, and we want to help them to know the right way of doing things for the right purposes, right? For their inherent reasons. Not like I’m scared of mom, now I’m going to hold her hand, but when I’m with Daddy, I’m not going to hold his hand. You know, that’s like ridiculous. And children are so naive. I was the other day with my daughter. I was walking, she was riding her bike, she was ahead of me and it was a one way street, meaning all the traffic was going the way she was going. Cars were coming from behind us. So I was constantly looking and checking, looking and checking where the cars were coming. AndI was yelling, honey, Ella me know, stay in your, in your, in your lane, you know, a car is coming. And I’m like, why am I doing this?
Anna: 40:31 So I said, honey, stop for a moment. I’m going to ask you something. And I said, Ella, when you’re riding your bike like this, how do you know when there is a car coming from behind you? How do you notice and gauge yourself? She goes, well, I thought my daughter is going to say I turned back constantly and check, right? That would be like the reasonable thing to do. That’s why you want to check with your children for feedback to know what do they know about the situation? So I said, I said, how do you know that the car is coming behind you? She, you know, she’s the funniest, most weirdest thing ever. She said, I smell the fumes of the car. I’m like, huh, that’s too late if you smell the fumes of the car. And, you know, what kind of smelling capacities do you have? You know, it’s like, this is so ridiculous. I said, do you think that’s helpful? She’s like, yeah. I said, what other ways can you detect whether a car is coming? And finally we got to talking about this, and she said, yeah, I can turn and look too mommy. You know, it’s important to ask questions and elicit answers from children to see what they think, how they think, you know, because their view is completely different.
New Speaker: 41:56 That’s true. That’s true. That’s a very good example. Thank you. Anna, I can just go on and on asking you questions, but that would last all day long and we don’t have all day long. So let me ask you one more thing. You spent decades already helping children, helping parents. If someone is out there, perhaps it’s a parent who’s experienced trauma in the past and is still working through it. Is there any advice you’d like to share?
Anna: 42:28 Hm. Well, be gentle with yourself. I would say be kind towards yourself. It takes time. You know, healing takes time. Don’t rush your growth, your evolvement. Take care of yourself. That’s what I would say. If you are already on the path of healing, you know it’s not your fault. You cannot undo the past, but do you can live wholeheartedly and more vibrantly today. Your past, your trauma does not have to stop you in your tracks. And there’s so much you can do to cultivate new skills and new habits and rewire your brain. We know so much about brain science today. That’s what I would say.
New Speaker: 43:12 I see. Thank you, Anna. Again, we’re here with Anna Seewald of Authentic Parenting and author of 15 Keys To Effective Communication: Building Strong Parent Child Relationships. So, Anna, if anybody has questions for you, how can they get ahold of you?
Anna: 43:31 That’s easy. You can always go to my website, AuthenticParenting.com.
New Speaker: 43:37 Okay, great, and you also have a podcast. How can people find you there?
Anna: 43:44 That’s also, uh, wherever you listen to podcasts just like this awesome podcast or wherever you listen, just simply search for Authentic Parenting.
New Speaker: 43:53 Terrific, and we’ll also have links to Anna’s website, her book, and a transcript of this interview on our website, TheInspireCafe.com. Anna, thank you so much for sharing your incredible and heartbreaking story, the journey that led you here today and for all that you’re doing now. Thank you so much.
Anna: 44:14 Thank you. You are a terrific interviewer. You’ve done your homework. You read my book, you have listened to the things I’ve said before. I am just amazed and impressed. I want people to know how hard you worked to just bring this interview and not only this one, but the whole podcast. As a podcaster myself, I know how much work goes into making, producing, researching, interviewing, so thank you for creating The Inspire Cafe and inspiring us to live our best lives.
New Speaker: 44:47 Ah, Thank you Anna. I really do appreciate that very much.
New Speaker: 44:52 You’ve been listening to The Inspire Cafe podcast. You’ll find the show at TheInspireCafe.com, and also we’re on facebook, instagram, and twitter. If you like what you’re hearing, please subscribe and share with your friends. Until our next conversation, Thank you for listening!