Marian Bacol-Uba is working on her first book, Survivor to Thriver. We talk about what inspired her to write it, including her journey of overcoming childhood sexual abuse and an overdose, which lead to a near-death experience that she says made her finally wake up and give her a second chance at life. Now Marian is a transformational coach and holistic health and wellness expert. Her passion is to raise awareness about sexual abuse in the Asian communities, and also help women transform their trauma to triumph and heal themselves from within.
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If you prefer to read, here’s a transcript of the interview!
Kathy: 00:00 Before we begin this episode, I want to let you know it includes the topic of childhood sexual abuse.
Kathy: 00:09 Welcome to The Inspire Cafe Podcast, where we bring you conversations and inspirational stories of people overcoming adversity and then how they came out of it transformed with a positive outlook or outcome. People are incredibly resilient and we need to hear more of their stories. This is Kathy De La Torre.
Kathy: 00:31 Hello and welcome to The Inspire Cafe Podcast. Today we speak with Marian Bacol-Uba. she’s working on her first book, Survivor to Thriver. We talk about what inspired her to write it, including her journey of overcoming childhood sexual abuse and an overdose that lead to a near death experience that she says made her finally
Kathy: 00:49 wake up and give her a second chance at life. Now, Marian is a transformational coach and holistic health and wellness expert. Her passion is to raise awareness about sexual abuse in the Asian communities and also help women transform their trauma to triumph and heal themselves from within. Before we get to Marian’s story, please know that we’ll have Marian’s links on our website and also a transcript of this interview, and if you happened to like what you hear, please subscribe, rate, and review. We truly appreciate your support. Okay, let’s get to Marian’s story.
Kathy: 00:49 So Marian, I understand you’re working on writing your first book.
Marian: 01:34 Correct! It’s called Survivor to Thriver and it is a memoir / self help book. Um, and it’s really a story about my own transformation and the book is basically it’s two parts, the survivor and the thriver part. and the survivor really outlines what my life was before the transformation and from my life I lived a double life actually. And I was in survivor mode and uh, this was because on the outside it seemed like I had everything going for me. I checked off all the boxes, what, you know, my family, parents, what society thought or you know, I thought it was supposed to do, you know, go to school, get a great job. And at that time I had, I was doing very well in marketing and I was a marketing director for one of the largest Asian American companies in the US. And I was also food blogging. So I did a lot of TV and youtube videos. But on the inside I was severely anxious, depressed. I had PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and I sought to numb my pain and I really, I went to alcohol and drugs to really kind of suppress a lot of that. Um, and I was just surviving basically. Um, and it wasn’t until in 2014 I had an overdose and I had an out of body, near death experience that completely changed my life.
Kathy: 03:03 Okay. This book is going to cover a lot of your life. Let me ask you this. Can you share what prompted you to write the book in the first place?
Marian: 03:16 This was, this is where the thriver part comes in because right after that experience I knew something had to change because I would go back into that same habit, same spiral, you know, and I wouldn’t be given another chance. So I knew I had to do something different. So I bought a one way ticket and I bought. I moved from L.A. to Miami and that’s really where my thriver transformation started. And I really didn’t know that this was going to happen. Where my life is right now was because of just trusting in the universe and and really doing what my soul was calling me to do. I just knew I had to look for other ways to heal and in my past I had always gone through external sources, whether it’s relationships, work, drugs, alcohol, whatever it was. And that wasn’t working obviously. So I went inward and I started meditating.
Marian: 04:11 I started working with energy healers, Shamans, plant medicine, changing my thoughts, my mindset, working with other teachers and coaches in the holistic and spiritual realm. And from there I really found my truth and my voice and I ended up coming out publicly with my childhood abuse and confronted my abuser, told my family and really set me on this path to helping other women, other people, but especially women, transform their trauma to heal from within the way that I had. And this book sort of was what stemmed from that and the thriver section. The thriver part is really all the things I did, what I learned, the formulas that I created, uh, and what I’m doing now because it’s a practice as a daily practice. It didn’t just, you know, and, and I’m healed because, you know, in life there’s so many layers, but that’s really where the thriver part came out and this book came up because I wanted to share this amazing transformation with others because if I was able to do it, I know that so many others would be able to do it as well. And it’s so empowering.
Kathy: 05:20 It is empowering. If you don’t mind, can we go back to the beginning? I read some of the articles that you had written about your experience and you were raised or you were born in the Philippines. Right? And so your early childhood was growing up in the Philippines and you were raised by your grandmother and extended family, but not your parents. Can you share with us what it was like back then? You know, initially growing up over there,
Marian: 05:50 My life in the Philippines, I was there until I was five, was actually filled with a lot of love with a lot of, a lot of family. Um, my grandmother and my aunts, uncles, cousins. It was just, we lived on an island in the Philippines. It’s just pristine. It’s like Hawaii but not as commercialized. Um, and it was just, it was beautiful and I felt a lot of love. And then, um, I moved to the US, uh, to live with my parents who I had just met and it was completely different. It was a completely different from what I had felt like that love. It was actually really cold. I didn’t know these people who are, I was told were my parents, they either worked all the time, um, they didn’t really get to know me. They were very strict and disciplinarians and so they believed, you know, uh, what does that saying?
Marian: 06:46 A spoiled rotten…. What is that saying about, um, you know, a spoil the child, spare the rod or something like that. I don’t know. It’s about for discipline and really spanking your kids, things like that, but they kind of took it to an extreme. My mother was working a lot and I, you know, went to a home that really didn’t feel like home what, you know, that warm feeling and for most of my childhood it was, it was like that. I mean I got a really good education, I believe that my mom did as much as she could with what she knew and she was working all the time and she did provide for me, but in terms of that motherly nature in a nurturing type of feeling really wasn’t there. And so I was really forced to grow up at a very young age and especially when I started getting abused by my father at 10, that really sort of. I don’t really remember much of a childhood. I kind of just, I’m detached from a lot of and just went through the motions to really survive.
Kathy: 07:46 And how long did it last, the abuse?
Marian: 07:50 Until I was about 17 right before I left for college.
Kathy: 07:53 I see. I remember you wrote how you were confused. It seemed like you knew instinctively that even as a 10 year old you knew something was wrong, but you know, of course this is your parent. So how confusing that could be. When you told your mom what was going on, what happened?
Marian: 08:19 Um, it wasn’t very, that was a very difficult time for me because it was so hard for me to open up to someone and I thought that I could turn to someone who I trusted and would protect me. Um, she actually didn’t believe me the first time I had told her when I was 14, um, they made me, you know, say that I was lying, that it wasn’t true. Um, and to just not talk about it ever again. And so I had been silent up until, you know, I went public with this and so I held. I stayed silent for that for 21 years.
Kathy: 08:52 I can’t imagine what kind of amount of courage it took for you as a 14 year old to reveal that information to your mom and her not believing you.
Marian: 09:01 Um, I think that’s really what… it hardened me. And I think, you know, as a child that people that’s supposed to protect you and you know, build that foundation for, you know, as a parent and you’re supposed to love and protect you are the ones to actually cause you harm. I think mentally that really an emotionally that does a lot. And so I’ve had to do a lot of undoing and learning in terms of feeling love, trust and security.
Kathy: 09:29 Did anyone in your family suspect something was going on?
Marian: 09:34 Um, not really because I was as, as I mentioned, I was so good at living that double life. You know, at school I excelled well at school so it’s not like my grades failed because for me school was my outlet. I feared being at home and so school was my only escape so I just threw myself at school. I studied hard every thing, every like afterschool activity and there was something that happened on the weekends. I wanted that because I didn’t want to be at home. And so I just do myself. And I knew that, I just knew that that would be my escape. Like going to college, like my goal was because I knew that if I got into college I would be able to move out. And so that was sort of my, my goal and I knew that that would be how I escaped basically.
Kathy: 10:24 That makes a lot of sense. What baffles me though is that me reading about you and you, what you called your double life in, it started back I guess when you’re 13 or 12 even, and when you started drinking or taking drugs and actually your suicide attempts. When did that all start?
Marian: 10:48 Um, I think my first one was right after I tried telling my mom and that didn’t happen. I believe that was the first time I see. Or the first, um, well my brother, my half brother tackled me because I was trying to drink a lot of pills, but I had started cutting when I was in high school and would go to, ended up in the hospital a couple times for stomach aches and my mom thought it was just me, you know, trying to get attention or being overly dramatic, you know, um, and just uh, really trying to numb myself with excessive drinking. For me, drugs and alcohol became my most stable relationship for many years because it was what I turned to when I felt a lot of pain or I wanted to forget.
Kathy: 11:35 That makes a lot of sense. Like I said, what baffles me is that you were able to carry on with school so well and all your activities while this is going on. I mean, when you were hurting yourself, did your mom suspect, like maybe something was more going on with you? I mean, we think that would be a red flag. Wasn’t she a nurse at the time too?
Marian: 11:56 Yes, but she was working two jobs. She was always working to provide and when she was at home she was sleeping because she was doing working two jobs, so she really wasn’t there and really didn’t pay attention and I think coming from a very strict Asian background, we’re just taught to, she was never very communicative and like anytime there was any, some semblance of pain or stress or anything, she was like, just get over it, you know. Um, she was tough love. I see. Yeah, very tiger mom, tough love kind of, you know, that that’s all in your head and just don’t talk about it and we don’t talk about problems and we just kind of push it down. So I just got used to pushing a lot of things down.
Kathy: 12:40 I see. You’re the older sister, correct?
Marian: 12:40 Yes.
Kathy: 12:44 Okay. Did you ever worry that something similar might happen to your younger sister?
Marian: 12:50 I did and that’s why I was so protective over her and I know that nothing happened because my father actually, she’s like, his favorite child because, um, she’s actually the only one that he’s raised amongst all his other kids because he was always traveling for work. And so he developed that bond with her and not with me or any of his other children, my half brothers and sisters. And so I was just anything also reason why I kept silent for so long was because I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t, you know, I knew that this would really affect her and sort of shatter, you know, break the family, which is what I was told, you know, after I can publicly with it. I had numbers in my family, had my mom say that I was breaking the family and I was the reason why our family was destroyed. And I put the family under the bus and I shamed the family. I think in traditional Asian culture is very family and honor over the individual. And that comes at the price of silence and shame.
Kathy: 13:52 Let’s fast forward. Okay. you left for college and you’re probably ecstatic leaving home. The abuse stopped. You moved away, but the trauma didn’t stop. Can you kinda talk a little bit about what life was like for you while you were dealing with your PTSD?
Marian: 14:15 Yeah, really it was a double life. I actually had an amazing time in college, was for the first time I felt free, um, I was away and I was on my own and I had really good friends and I did well in school, but I couldn’t be alone. That was my thing. Every time I, I couldn’t, I just couldn’t be alone and when I was alone and had severe anxiety and I had to do something, that’s why I would drink and even if it was by myself because I had to like calm my nerves because I couldn’t be by myself. So I threw myself into work, being always around friends, partying, everything I could do to not be by myself and lot of times sometimes going to sleep was hard so I would get drunk to fall asleep. Um, because, uh, the, you know, the flashbacks, the voices in my head, like all that would keep coming up. Um, so I tried to find so many ways to kind of push it down still.
Kathy: 15:06 And then something happened later on. And you alluded to it earlier. You said that you had a drug overdose and you had mentioned before that this was your wake up call. Can you kinda tell us what happened and you know, why do you call it this, your wake up call?
Marian: 15:25 So I had been feeling already that I just, I wasn’t happy even though I had a really good career and things in terms of my work life was going very well. I just felt immense sadness. Um, I was suicidal and every time I’d mentioned it to someone or family, you know, they’d call me ungrateful because they told me you have a great career, you’re making money, you know, um, you have friends who are going out and yet you’re still complaining like you’re so ungrateful. So I just kept it in. I was like, okay, I need to be more grateful and same thing. I would numb and every chance I got I would, I would party and I would just binge to sort of push that away, that feeling and to fill that void. And in 2014, that really all caught up with me. Because once you’re with someone who is addicted to that type of a kind of coping mechanism, it takes more and more to get that same high.
Marian: 16:25 It took more and more for me to feel that temporary happiness and that temporary numbness. So I just that day, I remember this was around the same time that my half sisters, my niece and my nephew who were both under the age of one, they both passed away within a week from each other. Oh, that’s awful. It was devastating. And just things in my life just weren’t. I had to move home for a year because I, um, I started my own business and I needed, I wasn’t making that much money with my own business. Yes. So I had to move back with my family and so I was in the same house, um, after all these years that, you know, the abuse happened. So I just, it, it all came back and I remember that night I just, I actually just wanted it all to go away and I was probably on, I don’t know, five, six different types of anything that anyone had.
Marian: 17:20 I would just take it to like numb and forget and just really get away from reality and in my out of body experience, I saw myself convulsing. I actually saw it. I saw myself getting put in a body bag. I saw my funeral, I saw everything that happened and I went up to… call it source, heaven, God, whatever it is that people call it. For me that was the afterlife and I was really given a choice to either stay there in the most amazing feeling of bliss and happiness where you just don’t question anything or to come back. And I knew that there was something in this lifetime that I wasn’t done with yet. I didn’t know what, but I chose to come back and I came back right into the point, right before they call right before they called 911 on me. And when I came back I knew that I had to do something different like that, like shook me. I was like, that was crazy, crazy experience and I remember it all and I knew that was my, my sign. I still believed in God and I knew that was my sign that something had to change.
Kathy: 18:32 So let me ask you a little bit about that experience. I’m curious when you had your outer body experience and you said that you saw yourself convulsing and in a body bag, were you like floating up in the room?
Marian: 18:48 Yeah, I was hovering over my own body. I saw everything. Um, in, in that space, you, you know, everything, it’s, it’s, it’s hard to explain. It’s like, you know, the, and you know what’s going to happen. It’s just you’re this energy. And I was looking at myself, I literally saw myself, I was looking at myself
Kathy: 19:07 And it sound like during that experience you were actually seeing a little bit of the future if you saw yourself getting into a body bag. Is that right?
Marian: 19:17 Yeah. And when you’re in that space time really like what our notion of time and energy and all that it’s… Time is not linear. It’s like everything happening all at once. So that’s sort of what happened. I knew if I chose that path but it didn’t come back, that’s what would have happened.
Kathy: 19:35 What happened next for you? What did you do next?
Marian: 19:38 Um, I, I booked that ticket to move from L.A.a to Miami. There was something in me. It was my intuition really leading me. I had no plan. It was a huge leap of faith because I didn’t really know anyone. I know you maybe like one person here in Miami. I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have a job waiting. I barely had any savings. Um, and I just sort of took that leap of faith. I just knew I had to get out of L.A. because L.A. was where it was too easy to get caught up again in that lifestyle with my family, with everything. So I just knew I had to remove myself from it and that’s why I moved here. And it was very, very hard when I first moved here because. And it was a very humbling experience. I don’t regret any of it at all.
Marian: 20:29 I think it was meant to be. It was meant to happen, but I went from, you know, this amazing life and career, what people would call successful too. In Miami. I had to make ends meet, so I ended up bartending and serving again, which was awesome because I met really cool people, but for me that was humbling, you know, and getting new, like different part time jobs to make ends meet before I got back on my feet before I found like another marketing … You know, before I really started networking and meeting people and then getting all that together, like getting my life together and still not knowing what was going on. I just knew that I had to do something different and I started really devouring a lot of podcasts, books from spiritual healers and leaders, going to yoga, meditation, just diving into that world and meditating myself and that really opened up so much and when every chance I got when I had. I actually, and I don’t recommend this to everyone because I use my credit cards were this, but I got coaches and mentors and I went to, you know, different seminars. I just threw myself into this world of holistic healing and spirituality and it really saved my life, you know, really healing from within.
Kathy: 21:46 Healing from within. That’s great. Marian, I remember reading that you wrote, it took 21 years for you to open up and reveal your story and I understand you’ve revealed it initially to your closest circle of friends. What I’m also curious about is what was it that made you want to reveal it publicly?
Marian: 22:08 I truly believe it wasn’t me here. It was my highest self, my soul because I didn’t want to. I actually fought it for a long time. I’m like an internal battle to, you know, I remember praying and talking to myself and do my highest self saying like, okay, like my life is actually going well here. I don’t need to stir the pot and come out with this. And I battled it. And the universe was like, you have to share the story, you have to share it. So I’m like, okay, I’m going to share it with just my close friends. And then it just kept like this nudging and I couldn’t sleep. It was just always on my mind. I actually started having a lot of dreams about it and just little by little I found the courage. It’s because of, I had that circle of friends, those close knit, they became my rock that when I finally found the courage to talk to my family and confront my father, I knew that no matter what happened with my family, I had friends that would always support me, no matter what would believe me, would encourage me and always had my back.
Marian: 23:13 So, and that’s what I didn’t have before when I was younger. And I also knew like with my newfound strength for feeling empowered that it was true because before, when I was younger and I tried to say something, they made it seem that I had made it up, but I knew like as an adult now and what, what I was going through, I knew that what happened was wrong. I was, I was very sure of it. I wasn’t, you know, you can’t sway me anymore. It’s like I’m going adult. I know that that was wrong. Um, whereas when I was younger I was confused. And so I found that courage and I knew that regardless of what happened, I would be okay because I had found that strength within myself. And I knew I had to share this story because I, when I was looking online and trying to find other people, I didn’t barely, if, if any, I didn’t see any other Asian Americans talking about, first of all, I don’t think this issue is really talked about as openly because people don’t want to talk about it.
Marian: 24:07 It’s uncomfortable. I’m especially talking about childhood sexual abuse. People don’t want to talk about that, you know, um, it’s intense and there really wasn’t many Asian Americans talking about it. And I knew that this was beyond me and it wasn’t just about me because I knew if I was younger I would’ve wanted to see this, but I didn’t have that support when I was younger going through it. And now I realize a lot of survivors feel this way. A lot of victims and survivors think that they’re alone. And that’s so not true because it’s so. It’s scary how common it is.
Kathy: 24:43 Yes, it is scary. And you talk about that a lot in your blogs and other things that you wrote and also the anguish you went through whether or not to confront your family. And, and as an adult and tell them, and if you don’t mind, I’ll read something that you wrote, I found very interesting. You wrote, I want to tell my mother and sister so badly, but I feel like I’m being selfish. I don’t want to stir the pot and bring drama and shame to the family. I don’t want my mother to be alone as she retires and gets older. I don’t want to crush my sister who thinks the world of our dad. I’m so torn. What was the trigger or the shift that says, you know what? I got to confront my dad.
Marian: 25:32 It was the inner turmoil that I felt. I knew I had to do it because I had this energy in, in me. Like I had to come out. It just had to. And I knew that I found that strength within myself and with my circle of friends who supported me because I was still pretending that everything was better. You know, that, that everything was fine. And so I still went to family functions, all that. But I knew I didn’t want to see my father anymore. And so I had to come out with it because they’d be like, okay, why aren’t you coming at home? Why aren’t you talking about, you know what I mean? So I knew this was why I had to come out with it so that no one in my family questions why I don’t talk to him anymore. I don’t see him, you know, why have distanced myself. And I knew that my sister, we have such a close bond. I know that even though it would be hard for her, this was, I felt that she was old enough to cope with it.
Kathy: 26:26 What was your family’s reaction now that you’re an adult confronting and revealing your story to your family? How did they react?
Marian: 26:33 Some supported me, you know, my aunt and uncle, my aunt who actually raised me as a child when I was in the Philippines, who I’m very, very close to who I call my mom too. And my sister who supported me and the rest of my relatives in. Then I’m actually estranged from my mother. Uh, she decided to stay with my dad and um, she’s still feels that this is, this was in the past, I should have gotten over it and I, you know, I didn’t need to come out publicly with it. She feels that I, I still shamed the family and this was unnecessary for me to do. And so I decided to, and I actually do a podcast. I had done a podcast episode about this, about letting go of family guilt. I realized that, you know, her reality is so different from my reality and that didn’t need to be my reality anymore. Um, so I just chose to distance myself from it and I can still love and forgive her from afar, but I don’t need to have her as a regular part of my life.
Kathy: 27:29 So going into this conversation with them, sounds like you knew what to expect and you were okay with it.
Marian: 27:36 I knew what the worst scenario was, which did come true. So I prepared myself for that. And then you, that even if certain family members would, you know, be ashamed, get angry, all of that, I knew that I had my support of my friends to back me up to back you up, like hurtful words that they would say I had that strength. I had foundation.
Kathy: 28:03 You wrote, Marian, that you feel a calling to be an advocate for awareness on this issue and spread your message about not keeping silent about it, especially to minority woman. You mentioned also Asian, the Asian community. Have you gotten a lot of response? I mean since you came out and revealed your personal story. Have you gotten any responses from the Asian community?
Marian: 28:29 I actually have. Um, and in a good way, this is something that I think especially the newer generation is, feels that we need to break that pattern because a lot of the older mentality still feels that same way that my, that my mom does. Whereas the new ones like, no, we need to talk about this. This is really, you know, um, I’ve actually been on a few shows and podcasts and I’ve done some guesting on TV shows and Filipino TV shows to talk about this issue because. And also, I’ve gotten so many emails and messages from other Asian Americans who went to the same thing though, like I can’t talk about this because my family be devastated. I would shame the same, exact thing that I kind of went through and they feel more empowered to or do things differently now seeing that someone else has done it and is okay, you know, and actually is even doing better now.
Kathy: 29:25 Right. You’re being a great role model. You wrote an article recently called, Supporting a Victim of Sexual Abuse: Six Do’s and Don’ts From a Survivor. And I thought this was incredibly helpful, not just from the point of view from how to support a victim wanting to talk about it, but also to sort of give a guideline for what a person could ask for from their support group. Could you quickly go over the six do’s and don’ts?
Marian: 29:56 Sure. And this was from my experience and from working with different, with my clients who’ve gone through abuse and from talking to so many people who, who are also survivors. Um, and these are common threads. And so the three, I do three do’s and three don’ts and the first one is to really be patient because this is something that, this is something that’s not easy to talk about. So if you have someone who you, maybe it, you suspect that someone has been a victim or survivor of abuse to go about it in the soft way. Not where will tell me how, you know, it’s, it’s. So even if someone wants to tell you, they just, I can’t because there are so many times I remember I wanted to say something, but I like my mouth. Nothing would come out my mouth. I was so paralyzed with fear that would know like, oh, they would think that I’m so tainted and that I’m, this is disgusting, you know?
Marian: 31:00 And especially to people who knew my dad, you know, I was like, how can you know? I really thought that I was. I thought I had just worn this scarlet letter and I was dirty and I was, you know, no one would love me. And so I kept it in. But just to be patient, you know, to come with this with love and compassion and support because it, if someone does feel that they are completely safe, then they’ll start opening up more. Sure. the second one is to be present. I feel a lot of times when we’re talking to people in our society in general, we’re always so distracted by a million things. You know, we’re talking to someone, but then we’re on our phone. We’re looking at something. We’re never really fully present. I think this is a situation where you want to be fully present because if someone tried to tell you something that’s very deeply personal and they’re looking at you and you’re distracted, that’s ….
Marian: 31:56 They’re not going to want to share because I called this person doesn’t care anyways. We’re not even looking at me in the eye or they’re not even listening. Right? So to be fully present and give your undivided attention, just that alone is. I can’t even tell like how amazing that feels. And I actually, when I told ’em it was my ex boyfriend out, we’re still good friends, who I told this to. I felt like he was looking right at me, you know, and was there like listening and really being there and I just and they felt protected and safe and that’s why I ended up really revealing, you know, the entire thing to him. I’m the third one is to be encouraging even if someone doesn’t say it completely because there were so many times in my life where I sort of tried to say it, but I said it was my uncle because I didn’t want anyone to know that was my own father.
Marian: 32:49 I was so ashamed of that. But I kinda like set a little bit. The whole thing is just to be encouraging. Even if they don’t see anything, just be like, whatever it is, I love you, I support you. I’m here for you. Whenever you’re ready, you know, and just keep that open space and the open dialogue. Without any But you have to tell me now, you know, with no restrictions, none of that. No, no. Yeah. You know, when you help people, like yeah, tell me, but you gotta tell me now. You know what I mean? It makes it, closes you up even more, especially when it’s something so personal. Keep it open and just be encouraging. Just lead with love. The don’ts I listed out three was don’t talk right away and when someone’s trying to say something so personal, I feel like a lot of people feel the need to say something because they feel awkward or anxious like they need to, they need to have an answer. But many times just the presence, going back to being present is enough where you don’t need to say anything because sometimes people say too much and yes, and they ramble and then they’ll say something that’ll scare the victim or the survivor from just closing up. So just leave it open.
Kathy: 34:08 I think it’s a really great point because I think most people, if there’s a long pause or silence, you’re right. People get uncomfortable with the silence and they feel obligated to say something like filler words or I don’t know.
Marian: 34:24 And then, yeah.
Kathy: 34:27 Right. But just, just wait, just wait. Like you said, be patient.
Marian: 34:32 Um, so don’t rush, rush anything. This is something that, you know, it’s a lot of layers to unveil, so don’t rush in physical contact, especially for someone who’s gone through and, and these are for anyone, for any type of abuse because I think this is also the same for domestic abuse and someone feels that shame and to not rush any physical touch or sometimes are most people just want to like, hold you, which I know the intentions are good, but oftentimes, especially for sexual abuse survivors that can be triggering, you know, depending on when it happened, if it was fresh, it just, there’s so many ways, like you don’t, you want to take the cues from that person. Um, and that’s why being present is so important because you’ll, you’ll know, okay, this is a safe time to instead of, it’s really more about them instead of you.
Marian: 35:26 Because a lot of times people rushed because, oh my gosh, I want to comfort you. And it’s more about them. Like they feel sad and they feel and so they rush into it. Whereas I think you really have to think of the survivor here and what they’re going through. You know, it takes, it takes time, so just take those cues, you know, like listen and pay attention. It makes sense. and the last is to not force anything because oftentimes people will try to say it and then close up again and you know, be okay with that, just keep that space and it goes back to being encouraging, you know, whatever it is, I’m here for you whenever you’re ready and I love you and support you no matter what. And there is nothing that you can see that will make me unlove you and it’s just that. It’s really just being loving and open and supportive.
Kathy: 36:16 Thank you. Marian. There’s a lot of good information there for anybody who you think that needs to get something off their chest. I mean, it doesn’t even have to be abuse.
Marian: 36:25 Yeah, definitely be anything. It could be grief, it could be other forms of trauma from the past. Now, these are all things that I think would help anyone because a lot of us, we feel that whatever we go through, what we’re alone in it and so this creates a space for us to truly open and be authentic and there’s so much beauty in vulnerability and in really speaking your truth and so much beauty comes out of that. You know, after you go through that pain.
Kathy: 36:55 Marian, if there’s someone out there listening who is maybe in a similar situation where you were having suffered, being abused as a child and is also in anguish of being silent, what would you like to say to them?
Marian: 37:10 I would like to tell them that first of all, they are not alone. They are not alone. We often think that we’re going through this alone and they are not alone. There are so many people, resources, websites, or people who have gone through what you’ve gone through and can offer support and help, and second is that you always have a choice. You always have a choice to not let your past define you. You always have a choice to better yourself and to better your life because what happened to you, no matter what happened or how horrible it was, it doesn’t define you and you can actually gain strength from all that and heal from within because if it’s a choice, the choice that you do everyday to choose yourself,
Kathy: 37:54 It’s a choice every day. I love that. You have shifted careers and you’re now a transformational coach, meditation teacher. You host the thriver lifestyle podcast, and you do other things. What made you decide to become a coach? I know you said that you want to share your information, but what made you decide you want to be a coach?
Marian: 38:21 Because, uh, other mentors or coaches or what are the ones who helped me as well and I’m looked to them as there are a few steps ahead of me when I was going through my own healing. And so they have the framework. They, they know the way you know, and they’re able to guide me because healers, coaches, anyone who’s in the healing modality, no matter what, we’re not here to heal other people. We’re only here to guide those and give and help them to heal themselves because there’s no one that can heal other people. They’re only there to heal themselves, but we’re given, we give the tools, we give the guidance of the frameworks, but it’s really up to that individual to heal themselves.
Kathy: 39:07 Kind of explain a little bit about how you’re different from the other coaches. Do you have a specific type of clientele or are you focused on any particular topic or theme?
Marian: 39:22 I do. Um, I focus primarily with other women who’ve been through trauma. I’m really focused on people who are women who are just like me, four or five years ago, most of them are, have amazing careers, so in terms of the career business, that’s all set, but there’s underlying trauma that they haven’t addressed and they feel depressed, alone, anxious maybe on prescription drugs, maybe binge drinking, doing drugs, all of that or other types of addiction to cope because they haven’t healed from the inside out. So those are my ideal clients because I was exactly in their shoes just a few years ago. And so I know how they feel, I know what they’re going through, and I can provide the framework and guide them with the steps to make those changes, change your mindset, change the habits, then put together practices and rituals to really do that shift.
Kathy: 40:19 Marian, you covered a lot of information. Is there anything else that you’d like to share that maybe we didn’t go over?
Marian: 40:28 A big thing for me, a theme, was really embracing my feminine energy. I think a lot of people who go through trauma and survivors and I think women in general, we’re in a society now where masculine energy is very pervasive and there’s, it’s all about balance. Uh, there’s, we all have masculine, Feminine Energy and in terms of business and climbing up the corporate ladder or whatever it is, it’s a very masculine thing. And so I feel like a lot of women have lost touch with their feminine and because we tend to see it as a weakness, oh, that’s, it’s weak. To be emotional, to be vulnerable or to be compassionate. Where actually, I think it takes so much more strength for all of that. And we need to start nurturing ourselves, and I believe when women heal themselves, they create space to really help others because they lead with compassion and love and they lead with vulnerability and it gives other people instead of fighting with more hate and more fear, when we embrace it with love, amazing things happen. People start opening up and they start softening.
Kathy: 41:30 Do you see a common thread between your clients of showing masculine energy?
Marian: 41:35 Absolutely. Absolutely. Because, especially if they’re survivors, surviving as a very masculine energy, you know, it’s what can I do to stay alive, to detach. It’s me versus them. I did this on my own. I don’t need you. And it’s where you push things away, you push people you don’t ask for help. And it’s very like go, go, go instead of asking for help and opening and trusting and it’s very kind of solitary. Um, and that’s a married masculine energy. And I feel it’s so absolutely because that’s how I used to live my life before I’ll take it. And so it was me against the world type of thing. And part of my healing was embracing the feminine and asking for help, you know, turning towards my friends and really being vulnerable with them and saying, I’m not as strong as you think I am. You know, I’m, this is the truth.
Marian: 42:25 And that actually made my bonds with those people, with my friends even stronger. You know, when we showed our true selves, it creates stronger connections. And I’m able to now really be in my body and feel, not, feel ashamed of my body, not feel ashamed for what happened to me. I don’t, you know, I don’t believe that because of what happened. I’m dirty or tainted, you know, I really have just gotten, I’ve fallen back in love with myself. I’ve fallen in love with myself and I think we’re taught not to self love. You hear it all the time. It’s so true. And when you start really loving and respecting and honoring yourself, everything else falls into that too. Everything else will fall into place because you’re healing and that energy will radiate from the inside out.
Kathy: 43:14 That’s beautiful, Marian. Thank you. Going back to your upcoming book, Survivor to Thriver, did you have an ETA, an estimated time when this is going to be out and published?
Marian: 43:26 Yeah, by October.
Kathy: 43:28 By October. Oh good. Great. Congratulations. Okay, so how can people get ahold of you if they want to get ahold of you? How did they do that?
Marian: 43:38 So they can go to my website, MarianBacolUba.com and I am also very active on instagram at m, b, a, C o, l u b a. I, you know, from there you’ll have all my information. Yeah, I actually post a lot of stories and posts and respond to dms there. It will have any questions. I get a lot of questions about my story, mindset, different things on spirituality, practices, meditation.
Kathy: 44:06 Okay, good. And we will also post your, your website and your links on our website so people can get ahold of you that way too. Marian. Just want to thank you so much for sharing your incredible story and you have so much helpful information. Your six do’s and don’ts, and this was amazing. Thank you so much.
Marian: 44:27 Thank you so much for inviting me on your podcast and creating space for me to my story.
Kathy: 44:33 You’ve been listening to The Inspire Cafe Podcast. If you don’t want to miss out on upcoming episodes, please subscribe by going to theinspirecafe.com website, and also please feel free to rate and review and share with your friends if you like what you’re hearing. Until our next conversation… thank you for listening!