Elizabeth Lewis is a dating and relationship coach. She’s the founder of Singles Meet Singles, the largest singles group in Louisville, Kentucky, and she’s the founder of Love and Laughter Life Coaching. Elizabeth also wrote the book, First Date Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating the “Next” Time Around
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If you prefer to read, here’s a transcript of the interview!
Elizabeth: 00:01 So being emotionally available means you are over your ex or your old boyfriend or old girlfriend to the point of they don’t evoke tears or anger or resentment or any negative emotion because if you’re still festering those emotions in your past, it’s hard to move forward. It’s hard to not compare whether it’s a widow or a divorced person. It’s hard. Like I’ve been on plenty of meet and greet. That’s what I call when I first meet somebody as a meet and greet and I got to meet and greet and they’re newly divorced. That’s pretty much all they’re talking about and I’m saying this person is nowhere near ready to jump into another relationship, which is okay. I think he may not know that he may think I’m ready. I’m ready. Well, he’s thinking he’s ready because he hadn’t had sex in two years.
Kathy: 00:54 Hello and welcome to The Inspire Cafe Podcast where we bring you conversations and inspirational stories of people overcoming adversity and then how they came out of it transformed with a positive outlook or outcome. People are incredibly resilient and we need to hear more of their stories. This is Kathy De La Torre.
Kathy: 01:15 Today we’re talking with Elizabeth Lewis. Elizabeth is a dating and relationship coach. She’s the founder of singles singles, which is the largest single group in Louisville, Kentucky, and she’s the founder of the Love and Laughter Life Coaching. Elizabeth also wrote the book, First Date Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating the “Next” Time Around. She talks about her journey coming, a widow and expectedly becoming a cancer survivor, and she shares what got her into helping others navigate the modern dating world. She shares tips from her book, like how to know when you’re emotionally ready to start dating, to how to gently tell your date that you’d rather be just friends. If you’re interested in asking Elizabeth a question regarding this interview, you will be able to writing your question on our facebook page for a week after this episode is released. We’ll also have links to Elizabeth’s website, a transcript of this interview, and our facebook link on theinspirecafe.com. Okay. Let’s get back to Elizabeth’s story.
Kathy: 02:19 So we’re here with Elizabeth Lewis, a retired school teacher and author of First Date Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating the “Next” Time Around. And Elizabeth, I also understand you’re a life coach and dating coach, is that right?
Elizabeth: 02:34 That is correct. I actually call myself a relationship coach because I can also work with couples like that, want to enhance their relationship, but three fourths of my clients are single, out dating the next time around.
New Speaker: 02:47 Okay, good to know. And also you are the founder of Love and Laughter Life Coaching. Correct?
Elizabeth: 02:56 Yes, that’s right. That’s my company.
Kathy: 02:56 Okay, great. Well I have a lot of questions for you about your book and your coaching, but before we get into that, can you please share with us a little bit about what led you back into the dating world in the first place?
Elizabeth: 03:10 I can do that. So on 9/11 when my kids were nine and 11, my husband passed away of a sudden, fatal heart attack and now it wasn’t 9/11/01. So it wasn’t World Trade Center year. It was ’05, but I was 40. He was 42 and it was a, it was very sudden. So you know, I was a school teacher at the time and fortunately I had happy children to come home to and a strong faith and a good network of family and friends. So it took me about three years about dating and again I remember after year one everybody said, well are you ready to date? And I was like, no, these kids need to end up okay. They were, you know, I was trying to figure out how to be a single mom and pay the bills and work full time and have kids and travel, soccer, you know, all of the normal stresses. Your two same question and then your three was the beginning of that journey. But, but basically to answer your question, he was all an American Dad. Great. Has been a beautiful marriage and it just ended too soon.
New Speaker: 04:20 So he had a heart attack. Was there any clue about his health that prepared you?
Elizabeth: 04:27 Well, no. Nothing to prepare for that because. And he was very healthy man. He did have high cholesterol, hereditary ran in the family. So he was on medicine for that and his blood work was always, you know, great, because he was on Lipitor. So, um, no, no, no signs, very healthy. We had a great day that day that he died and we had this beautiful sunny day. Kids played soccer. We traveled and um, he was a first line of youth group actually was down on the waterfront, Kentucky and uh, you know, just scored the winning touchdown of ultimate Frisbee and was just saying, wow, that was so much fun. And he collapsed and oh my gosh, it was, it was devastating for the high schoolers that had to watch it too. So it was a, my. Fortunately my children were not there that night. They were too young. But…
New Speaker: 05:23 thank you for sharing that. So I remember reading in your book that first year after your husband passed away, people asking you if you wanted to date and he said, no way in the second year you said that you didn’t want to. You weren’t ready either. Third Year came along and I’m not sure if it was a second year, third year, but you said that you intentionally. I think gained way too to kind of put off the whole dating scene because I think you were subconsciously not trying to get yourself out there. Is that right?
Elizabeth: 05:56 That is right. And I think it was totally subconscious because I usually eat healthy and workout, but I think I was just. I don’t want men to look at me. Let me just… I mean I don’t think I said I’m going to gain 50 pounds. I think it was just all subliminal and you know, if you think about people that are divorced or widowed, there’s always a kickback at the beginning like, I don’t want to be hurt again. I’m scared. No one will love me again. All of these limiting beliefs and through coaching, this is what I really help singles with is those limiting beliefs because God wired us to love and be loved and it’s okay to want that it, you know, it’s not a needy thing. It’s, it’s, you know, like I say, God gave it to us, but it’s maneuvering through all of those stories that we tell ourselves in our head and that gets in our way.
New Speaker: 06:45 Yes, we do get in our own way, don’t we. So what was it like for you when you first got back into the dating scene?
Elizabeth: 06:53 Well, just like divorced people sometimes have a rebound, widows do too. And I fell in love with this man that I thought God just put them in front of me and he was the one and we went way too fast and it was just this little whirlwind love affair. Now at the time you’re not thinking, I’m now going through my, my, a rebound relationship, you know, you think I’m I’m in love, I’m going to marry this guy and uh, it didn’t work out and that’s okay. What it taught me is I could love again and I was ready to love again. And so I went online because, why? I’m working full time. I have kids in club soccer, I don’t have time to, you know, go out and where do you go? Bars and church, you know, going online is a great way to meet people and I can talk later about the limiting beliefs about that as well. But I was ready to love again. And so I, I was fast and furious with meeting people. I was sometimes three a day, five a week. I was like, I, you know, I’m doing this. How hard can this be? I’m just going to go in online, falling in love and get married. It’s just going to be the. And of course it’s not.
New Speaker: 08:06 Well, it wasn’t so easy. Well, I remember reading that you were trying to meet as many people as you could and so you had a limited time because you’re working, you have two kids and you wanted to be home and so you started stacking your dates or your meetups and actually bringing them to soccer practice or whatever it was and.
Elizabeth: 08:25 Yeah. Well I’ve already dressed and made up. I may as well go and have two or three. Right.
New Speaker: 08:30 Very, very efficient of you, by the way. You talk about in your book, one of the biggest beefs when you were entering the dating world was being judged or judgment by others. Can you share a little bit about that?
Elizabeth: 08:49 Okay. So in the single’s world, and it’s, it’s sad to say because other married people just look and say, you know, they just want you to be happy, but in a singles world everybody’s vying for the same men or the same women. And some people come from a place of jealousy of, oh my gosh, she’s out with somebody different. You know, again, she was just with someone last week or, or whatever. Well, it’s not like everybody’s having sex with all those people now. I’m sure some are, but you know, they’re just trying to find love like everybody else. And so yeah, you might have to meet a couple of different people to do that. And so there’s a lot, there’s just a lot of judgment or another judgment. I think I just wrote a blog about this, another judgment, as you know, society puts pressure on singles, I think, to be married.
Elizabeth: 09:38 Like, oh my gosh, you haven’t been married in 10 years. Like, what’s wrong with you? Oh boy, Well, nothing’s with you. It’s just, it’s a timing issue and it’s, it’s the way that we think about things is the way we put ourselves out there. I mean, there’s so many reasons why it may not happen on our timeline, but society does that to us and so that’s why singles bill less than like, oh, I give up, I’ve been single 10 years, I’m not going to find anybody, and they just, they have this negative perspective and they continue to draw to them negative energy.
Kathy: 10:16 Right. Well, what was interesting to me is that you mentioned the judgments came mostly from single people not married people.
Elizabeth: 10:24 Correct.
Kathy: 10:24 Why do you think that is?
Elizabeth: 10:38 Well, again, sometimes it comes from a place of jealousy. Like if Susie q is single and not getting a lot of dates and I am, her judgment is, oh my gosh, something negative. Why? Because she’s feeling like I can’t even get one date. She has five. How’s that? How’s that possible? Well, might be because I believe good men are everywhere and maybe she believes there’s no good men anywhere. Well that’s a huge reason. So I would say I would say that was probably probably the biggest one.
Kathy: 10:58 And coming from your perspective, as a widow, what was the biggest struggle for you when you began the dating process?
Elizabeth: 11:08 Wow. Well Gosh, I think, and of course, I can give this answer and it will be different, you know, if you ask any other widow, but more than anything, everybody grieves differently. Right? So for some widows it’s just about getting over the guilt. Oh my gosh, I can’t, you know, my husband just died. I can’t love anybody else. Getting over that. For some people, it might take a short amount of time. Sometimes it might take three years.
Elizabeth: 11:39 Another reason is just to, you know, it’s been so long, just like a divorced person, it’s been so long since you’ve dated. It’s like, how do I do it? You know, what, what do I do? I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to be? And that’s another reason why I found coaching to be so valuable. Well, first of all, my book alone will teach them what it’s like, but to actually help them maneuver through it and people will only hire me for three, four, five sessions. Once they get going, they are like, okay, I got this. You know, it’s just, it’s a learning curve. It’s a learning curve.
New Speaker: 12:15 It’s a learning curve. So let’s talk about your book, first of all, what inspired you to write it in the first place?
Elizabeth: 12:24 Well, so when I retired and went to life coach training, they want you to pick a niche, something you know, a lot about, passionate about, whatever. And I thought, wow, I’ve got this huge singles group and mobile and all I do is talk to my girlfriends about dating, you know, don’t sleep with them on that first date or through, you know, different ways of thinking and high. When I first started dating, I did not always stay with my values. I, I made some mistakes like everybody else and you know, I’m not going to lay all those out for you. But, um, through those mistakes and through books that I’ve read, I probably read 55 dating books. I thought, Gosh, I guess I’m going to read these books. They’re all so good. And who has time to read 55 dating books? So what I did is I took my personal experience and all the books that I’ve read and the sermons I heard in the podcast I listened to and just, you know, all this. And I’ll put it all together in one book, so I tell people to read it through front to back first and then use it as a resource because I quote a lot of different people. It’s not just about what I’ve learned. I, I quote probably from 10 to 20 different of those books that I read. Basically picking out the best nuggets and throwing it in this book.
New Speaker: 13:41 Yes, you do have a lot of nuggets. It’s a lot of useful information and I’m not in the dating world and so I can’t imagine going back into the dating world, but you had a lot, a lot of great information in there. I believe there’s a section in the book where you mentioned something that your dad said and it said that it’s harder to date a widowed person because they probably had a good relationship and you might be compared to them.
Elizabeth: 14:14 Yeah, absolutely. So my dad’s a retired minister and just use my hero. I mean he’s, he’s my go to guy when I have an issue about anything. He has a lot of good nuggets. Sometimes I received them and sometimes it takes me three years to receive them. But um, but yeah, when he first told me that, I was like, no way, that’s not fair, I didn’t ask for my husband to die, you mean guys are going to not like me because of that, you know, but what he meant was, is they’re going to feel like they’re compared to this wonderful, this wonderful marriage that I had as opposed to a divorce person who maybe didn’t have, you know, they’re happy to be out of it. I’m not happy to be out of it.
New Speaker: 14:54 Right, Yes. Okay. So now you’re a coach relationship coach and you very, very clearly say that you’re not a matchmaker. You’re not a, a quote unquote hitch. You’re not an expert. You are a coach. Okay. So tell us what do you do as a coach to help others?
Elizabeth: 15:13 Okay. Well, a very common question is what’s the difference between a therapist and a coach? And it’s a great question. A therapist and, and both are good, by the way. I think everybody should have a therapist and I think everybody should have a life coach. Seriously. I mean even me, I have a life coach and I have a therapist, a therapist is more looks at your past and figures out why you are the way you are, how things are showing up now because of your past and a life coach is more forward thinking, goal setting, where do you want to go from here? So it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t talk about someone’s past, but we wouldn’t spend a lot of time there. I would get some data, but we would look forward to the future. Also coaching is nothing but asking questions. So I believe that all my clients are creative, resourceful and whole people and they have the answers for themselves.
Elizabeth: 16:06 They just need a little help finding the answers. So I have to ask questions. Or now as a coach, as a dating consultant, I do offer perspective and nuggets that help them with their limiting beliefs and that kind of thing. But that’s, that’s probably the difference. So what I do is probably the whole first session and a half is just discovery me discovering them and like all aspects of their life. And then after that we dig into their stuff, like what they want to work on. So it might be limiting beliefs. That might be, it might be money, it might be the way it might be parenting in their parenting or their money management or whatever is getting in the way of something else, you know. So we kind of clear all those cobwebs. So in a lot of times people hear me on a podcast or radio and they say, oh, well you don’t take new clients.
Elizabeth: 16:57 I do. I take new clients and I coach over the phone or skype or facetime. I don’t even have to look at you to coach you. I prefer to. We get trained to actually coach on the telephone. So, my website, which you know, I can give later. I have my prices on there. It’s all transparent. I do do a free 15 minute consultation to make sure we’re a good fit because if you need therapy over coaching, I’m not going to be able to help you no matter how good I am. You know, you, you might need therapy if you’ve got, you know, if you were abused as a little child or you’ve got some alcohol issues or something that’s just really therapy and I would say go to therapy and then come back later, you know when you’re ready to move forward. So I don’t always work with everybody.
New Speaker: 17:44 Okay, well that’s good to know. So what would you say is regarding the dating coaching part of your services? What would you say is your typical client and what do they come to you?
Elizabeth: 17:57 Okay. My typical client is a next time around-er. So someone is divorced, widowed, maybe a little bit older and not married yet. Now, I had a 19 year old who’s never been married and I had a 75 year old who still wants to love. So I’ve had the spectrum, but the average person is that person that wants to get back out there and date again. They’re scared or they’ve been out there dating and they’ve just not had much luck or somebody that’s, you know, the newly divorced ones have no idea how to do it. Like I want to date online, but I’ve heard bad things about it and they’re scared and they need to learn the ins and outs of the do’s and the don’ts and how it all works. And I have probably 60 percent women and 40 percent men. So it’s not all women people think really, really?
Kathy: 18:47 That’s interesting. Yes.
Elizabeth: 18:49 They struggle with rejection or you know, what, do I say to a girl? or how do I tell someone I’m not interested?. I mean they want some help moving forward as well. So it’s not just women only thing.
New Speaker: 19:04 I’m really impressed that you were contacted by 19 year old. Was that a man or woman?
Elizabeth: 19:09 No, that was, uh, that was uh, a woman who’s, I know her mama and, and so. Yeah. And it wasn’t just about, it wasn’t just about dating, it was about a variety of things.
Kathy: 19:21 Okay.
Elizabeth: 19:21 I really am a life coach first and second. I mean, I look at the whole life of the person, the whole deal. My specialty is working with relationships, but anybody wanting to navigate now, I’m not really like a business coach or a, you know, somebody will want to look for a new job. I would refer them to somebody else. Mine’s more just overall life. How happy are you, you know, thinking about the rest of your life. How do you want it to look before you die?
New Speaker: 19:51 Okay, well that’s good to have that clarification for anybody’s listening out there. In chapter one of your book, you have a section called, How do I know what I’m ready?. And you talk specifically about being emotionally available. What do you mean by that?
Elizabeth: 20:09 Okay. This is a biggie. So being emotionally available means you are over your ex or your old boyfriend or girlfriend to the point of they don’t evoke tears or anger or resentment or any negative emotion because if you’re still festering those emotions in your past, it’s hard to move forward. It’s hard to not compare whether it’s a widow or a divorced person. It’s hard, like I’ve been on plenty of meet and greets. That’s what I call when I first meet somebody as a meet and greet and meet and greet and they’re newly divorced. That’s pretty much all they’re talking about. And I’m saying this person is nowhere near ready to jump into another relationship, which is okay. I think he may not know that. He may think I’m ready. I’m ready. Well, he’s thinking he’s ready because he had sex in two years. That doesn’t mean you’re ready.
New Speaker: 21:05 There’s clear distinction. Okay. So for somebody who meets somebody who can’t stop talking about their ex, then that’s a red flag basically that they’re not ready.
Elizabeth: 21:16 So in my book I talk about how dating is 90 percent timing in 99 percent of them aren’t the one. It’s a great perspective to go into because I did not do this when I first started dating. I was looking for the one and I mean I was expecting the next one to be the one. So instead of that it’s best to go in thinking I’m going to go and make new friends and learn about dating, learn about myself, learn about what I want. So. So yeah, some people are just not aware and my newly divorced people, I have a couple of clients are newly divorced and they say, can I not date at all? Well, of course you can. but just say, hey look, here’s where I am. I’m newly divorced, I’m not ready for a committed relationship. I want to just have fun and the other person can decide, okay, I can do that, or no, I’m looking for. I’m looking for forever so we’re not going to be a match right now. That’s okay too. We’re all in different places, right. It’s important to just say it.
Kathy: 22:17 And just say it. Yeah. You, you talked a lot about that, about being transparent about what you’re emotionally capable of at the moment and it changes all the time and it’s okay to change. Change that status for yourself. And you mentioned this are a little bit earlier about nice ways to turn people down because it’s better to be honest, upfront rather than leave them feeling maybe there’s a little hope.
Elizabeth: 22:46 Yes.
Kathy: 22:47 Can you talk a little bit about that?
Elizabeth: 22:49 I’d Be Glad to. People, especially if you’re new to dating, they think. Okay, let’s say a girl and a guy meet and you know, they had really great communication and she’s all giddy like, oh, he sounds so awesome. and they have a little meet and greet. And afterwards, he decides, you know what? She is nowhere near what I thought but not my girl. And she’s texting him, Hey, you know, I had a great time. I’d like to go out again or something and he doesn’t respond. That’s called ghosting and doesn’t respond. It doesn’t respond. And then what, what does the girl do? She chases a little bit. Hey, are you still there? What’s wrong? Did I say something wrong. Okay. Nothing’s wrong with you. He just doesn’t have the tools to say, hey, I really enjoyed meeting you too, but I only felt friendship and you know, let’s, let’s be friends and I’ll invite you to the next single’s party or I’ll invite you, you know, because there’s someone for everyone. So it’s rare that two people are in the same place at the same time. So I just have a little section on my book that tells people how to say that with still be kind. You can still be kind, but just just say, you know, this is what, this is how I felt.
Kathy: 24:02 Right. I thought that was so helpful. You actually gave a lot of examples or a little mini scripts of how to say, I respect you. I appreciate meeting you. I enjoyed myself. I’m just not interested in that way, can we still be friends?. I thought that was a really nice way to put it. And you gave a variety, different scripts. You also talk a lot about. Actually you mentioned it several times. Don’t take it personally. Can you expand on that a little bit?
Elizabeth: 24:35 Okay, so let’s say that same couple that we just talked about that pretend couple, let’s say the girl had no response and then the next meet and greet was not very good and then her next meet and greet was not very good and let’s say the fourth one, you know, he looks 10 years older than us pictures and she after a while start saying to herself, what’s wrong with me? Oh my gosh, you know, I can’t get a guy I can’t find online dating stinks. You know, there’s a bunch of liars, there’s a bunch of cheaters. Well, first of all, there’s nothing wrong with you. Guy Number One might still be stuck on his old girlfriend. that has nothing to do with you. Guy. Number two is looking for somebody that has a college degree and is a professional and you know you’re a nanny or a nanny, so that there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s a great profession.
Elizabeth: 25:25 Their expectations are different than your expectations, so there’s nothing wrong with you. Stop turning it into what’s wrong with me? And then the second thing is about online dating, and I could talk all day about this. Online dating is just an introduction service. Online dating does not say, please lie about your age and your weight. That’s a human behavior problem. .Humans are feeling unworthy, like, Oh my gosh, I’ve gained 15 pounds, but I’m not going to put that on her curvy. I’m going to put that I’m athletic. Well, if you’re not athletic, don’t put that you’re athletic, you know, because it has you list your body Type. Be what you are, and the person that falls in love with you is going to love you for all the reasons that nobody else did. And so, if you’re online and you’re having meet and greets and you’re not having any luck with any of those meet and greets, that actually means you’re having a successful time with online dating. Why? because you’re getting meet and greets. You’re meeting people. Okay, So that doesn’t mean, I mean, it just means you’re not finding the one, but you’re having a successful time with online dating if you’re, if you’re getting meats out of it. So there’s a lot of perspectives around the online dating thing. There’s a lot of negativity about it, but I mean it’s the best man I’ve ever dated came from online. Truly.
Kathy: 26:41 And uh, it’s funny you kind of mentioned that, to be honest about how you present yourself online because you talk about how you’ve seen some profiles where there’s like 20 pictures of this guy fishing and that’s the only type of picture that he presents himself as. And you’re like, really? Is that all he does? Or try to add some variety.
Elizabeth: 27:00 Yeah, yeah. There’s a lot of, there’s a whole section in the book about do’s and don’ts. Don’t have a picture of your dog and a sunset and your motorcycle without you in it. It’s fine if you post those things, but put you in it because we don’t want to date your dog. And Take the sunglasses off and take your cap off. We want to see your eyes and your teeth. We want something up close, we want to see your body just like you want to see ours. So those are a couple Must Do’s,
Kathy: 27:30 Right. Good tips. You also had a very interesting tip about gratitude, which I really appreciated you sharing. You share what you do personally to help you stay in the gratitude mindset. Can you share what you do?
Elizabeth: 27:45 I can. So it’s a little stone. I’ve gotten some from the beach, just a soft stone and I, I have the word gratitude on it is I typed it out and glued it on and you know, and so what you do is you in the morning when you’re getting ready, you put it in your pocket and you name something you’re grateful for. And then throughout the day, every time you touch it, you think of something you’re grateful for and maybe if you’re wearing a dress and you can’t, you know, maybe you have it on your desk and every time you look at it and touch it, you named something else you’re grateful for. And then at the end of the day you take it out of your pocket and you name something you’re grateful for. So two things. The first thing is, this is how you stay in a daily, daily gratitude.
Elizabeth: 28:29 You might have a gratitude journal that you write in the morning, but then you go out throughout your day. You just kind of like, you know, you forget this is like daily. And then the second thing is I challenge people to think of things that they maybe wouldn’t put in a prayer. Like I don’t thank God that I have carpet under my feet today, but I am very grateful as carpet under my feet, especially in the winter time. So I might put that in a prayer. But, but you know, I may not put in a prayer that I’m grateful for clean water. Our water really tastes good in Louisville, and I’m thankful for that. So I challenge people to think of things that maybe they wouldn’t automatically put in a prayer.
Kathy: 29:06 Well, that’s a. that’s a good reminder. You having your gratitude stone in your pocket, every time you touch it is kindly reminder to be grateful for whatever it is around you at that moment or whatever you were thinking of.
Elizabeth: 29:19 Yeah, and you know, if you do it after a date, you know, be thankful that you, you know, you have a life that you can go on a date, you have arms and your legs and a car to get you there and you know, maybe a little bit of money in your pocket to buy a coffee and there’s so much to be grateful for and you can’t be in self pity and gratitude at the same time.
Kathy: 29:36 That’s true. You also mentioned, I think it was immediately after this, I’m not doing this exercise, helped you later and I understand in 2015 you were diagnosed with eye cancer and you were told you might lose your eyesight. Is that right?
Elizabeth: 29:56 That is right. You know, everybody has things that happen in our lives. People listening to this podcast are like, well, I had cancer. I had lost a child or something awful. If you just look, the sky’s a little bit bluer, the grass is a little bit greener and know when you appreciate what you do have, you know, I do have slight in my one eye and I have over half in my cancer eye. I’m cancer free, but I mean, I can still see. God gave us two eyes, thank goodness.
Kathy: 30:31 Well, I’m really happy to hear you’re still cancer free. That’s great news. Elizabeth. Aside from the gratitude exercise, Is there anything else that you’d say helped you personally through tough times like that, you know, getting the cancer diagnosis?.
Elizabeth: 30:51 Definitely faith and you know, that’s kind of a standard answer, but you know, that means a little bit something different to everybody. The answers are found in the void. in silence. and we’re not very good about being silent in our world. We have the news in the background, we got music in our ears, we have people talking, we’ve got radios blasting at tv, you know, and it just is so important to find a moment of intentional silence to, to kind of regroup, to realign with, you know, from where we came and, and knowing that in the end everything is going to be okay and we’re all here for just a little bleep of time. Like boom, it’s over. Like we’re going to be in heaven with my husband in no time and eternity is forever and we’re here for just a teeny, teeny, tiny amount of time. So um, the silence is big and it’s hard to do. It’s easier for me now because I’m retired and you know, I can find moments to be silent and I have a journal and I have had a little prayer room down underneath my stairs. I mean, I, I really intentionally take time every day and it might be 10 minutes one day. I’d be an error sometimes, but, um, I think that’s important.
Kathy: 32:12 That is important. Thank you for sharing that. Elizabeth, Let’s talk about how you founded the largest single group in Louisville, Kentucky with over 2,500 people. It’s called Singles Meet Singles. How did this get started and why did you start it?
Elizabeth: 32:32 It was a total accident. I was going to have one party and the reason why I was a school teacher, I was off in the summer, right? And not, you know, I had met all these great guys online and I have all these great girlfriends that are single that I’ve met through being single and I thought I’m just going to have a party and just introduce everybody, not really to fix each other out, but wouldn’t that be fun. there’s someone for everyone. So 40 people showed and it was a beautiful night down on the river, I’ll have river and everyone was like, you’ve got to do this again. And I was like, I’m off all summer. I think I will. And so the next party 60 people came and the next party, 90 people came, and the next party 100 people came.
Elizabeth: 33:13 It was after that party that I thought, wow, people are traveling two hours away for this party? So I made a close group on facebook, so what I would do, and I, and I go over this in my book, so anybody in America that wants to start a single’s group, I tell you how to do it. so I make an event, a public event, and I tell people, I invite all my single friends and tell them to invite their single friends and they invite their single friends. and I have it at a bar because I need their space and a dance floor and I get a Dj and you know, it’s big fun, but you can show up knowing, not having to say, oh, I wonder if he’s married. I wonder if she’s with anybody, you know, it’s just, you know, you’re going to meet single people there.
Elizabeth: 33:53 And it kept growing into this little beast.. Um, so, so yeah, I actually started a group in Lexington, Kentucky and then Cincinnati, Ohio, and I ended up closing all those when I started coaching. It just got to be too much. I was trying to date and raise kids and start a new career. So I thought, okay, I can’t do it all. So I, I do still have my little group and I only host three huge parties a year, but it is, you know, from that group there had been 16 marriages, meaning I didn’t fix him up, I just provide the avenue to meet and thousands of friendships and really the friendships is the best part because now we all have these singles like tonight is a girl’s night out and the majority of us met the singles group and there’s going to be in there and we’re just going to laugh and giggle and have a drink and, and, and build relationships. So a lot of good has come from it.
Kathy: 34:44 Wow. That’s a lot. 16 marriages. And how long has this group been in existence?
Elizabeth: 34:49 Seven years. And what I count as a marriage as if you came and met through the group or through once removed, meaning you came and met Joe and Joe introduced you to his best friend and you married him. So that’s how I count it. for me. If I think, okay, people are meeting and finding love and that’s, that’s all I really care about is introducing people.
Kathy: 35:09 Right. So just to clarify, not sure if I heard this right, the initial meeting that you set up, were the men that you had dated from the online service?
Elizabeth: 35:23 Many of them I had dated or maybe they were friends from high school that I knew were single again or they were people from my church that I knew were single. So probably a third though where people that I’ve met from online. Oh good. They just weren’t great for me. But that doesn’t mean they’re not great people. It just means we weren’t a match.
Kathy: 35:40 Well that’s a great example of maintaining a friendship in spite of, you know, and not going anywhere romantically. So that’s a really great example.
Elizabeth: 35:51 Yeah. And you now, your life is still enhanced by new friends. I mean, I, I organized a singles cruise last January and of the 40 people that were, and I bet there were five that I’ve met online previously and we’re just great friends and through those friends you meet new friends. So yeah, I at least try to maintain friendships, you know, sometimes you can’t, but especially if you dated a long time or whatever. And then somebody got hurt and I’m just talking about people like on a meet and greet, well we’re just not a match, but you know, you’re a great person, right? You meet my friends or whatever.
Kathy: 36:22 That’s great. Elizabeth. We talked about a lot of it can go on and on and on. Talking about this subject is very interesting and I was wondering if someone out there who may be going through what you did when your husband passed away or maybe they’re struggling to get back into the dating world. Is there anything that you would like to share with them?
Elizabeth: 36:43 Well, yes. Get in touch with me. My website is long, but night a few times. It’s wwwLoveandLaughterLifeCoaching.Com. It’s just, that’s what was available and LoveandLaughterLifeCoaching.Com. And it tells you how you can connect with me on facebook, my email, packages. So if you live in La, I offer a class every other Tuesday called life love and dating. That is fabulous. It’s only five bucks. And you, you come and we talk about dating perspectives and life and how to be a better you to be in any relationship and unfortunately that’s in person, but the coaching I can do online, on the phone, face time, I coach plenty of people that are not in my city, so I would be happy.
Kathy: 37:39 Well, if you’re coaching is anything like your book, you offer a lot of information and great tips and I encourage people to go get Elizabeth’s book. She’s the author of First Date Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating the “Next” Time Around . we’ll share your links to your book and to your website, LoveandLaughterLifeCoaching.com. Okay, great. And Elizabeth, before we leave, I just wanted to clarify, I wanted to invite listeners to participate and continue on this conversation. So I’m going to create a post on the facebook page of The Inspire Cafe Podcast and if anybody has questions for you, would you be able to reply back to those questions?
Elizabeth: 38:29 I would love that. Absolutely.
Kathy: 38:32 Wonderful. Great. So everybody, we’ll have that post up for a week from the date that this episode is released. So if you have any questions for Elizabeth, please post them on there and she’ll get back to you. Elizabeth, Thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing your story and how you are helping others get back into the dating world in relationships and life itself. Thank you.
Kathy: 38:57 You’ve been listening to The Inspire Cafe Podcast. You’ll find the show at theinspirecafe.com, and also we’re on facebook, instagram, and twitter. If you’d like what you’re hearing, please subscribe and share with your friends. Until our next conversation, thank you for listening!